Kowashita Gurasu
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: After nine years, Seishirou and Subaru meet again. But their feelings are still the same, despite everything...much to Subaru's inner protests...


Disclaimer: X not yui's.  
  
  
When your world falls apart...  
how do you survive after that?  
  
Kowashita Gurasu (Broken Glass)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
When the fragments of a glass windowpane fall to the ground, that's when you know the world is broken. You stare out from outside yourself and wish you were somewhere out down there in the city.  
Somewhere on the street, somewhere in the park, somewhere else...  
  
But not here. Not where you're standing right now.  
  
Anywhere but here.  
  
Anywherebuthereanywherebuthereanywherebuthereanywherebuthere...  
  
As I lifted my head to look at the ceiling, the curtain blew quietly before me. I couldn't see the window, but I knew it was broken. That was the only way he could have come in.  
  
He would have to break in. Like when he ripped my trenchcoat from me to reveal my sleeveless black shirt revealing my shoulders...  
  
And he knew I'd get the hint...  
  
It would be my only way for redemption if I ever wanted to get out. I could jump and never look back. I could run and never come back...  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
As I was suddenly grabbed violently by those firm hands around my waist, he started to lift my hands over my head as if he were playing me like an instrument. With my wrists crossing one another, he pinned me to the cold glass window with the sheath of a curtain making shh shh noise behind me.  
And he was playing me oh so well. Using his mouth so finely, he was kissing my arms and working his way down to my neck as I scrunched my eyes in defeat, disgust, and the feeling of wanting to be wanted. Pushing me against the curtain, there I was plastered against the window with his warm breath upon my neck as he pulled my shirt down. Shaking my head, I protested, "Stop...Stop doing this to me..."  
  
"But your body is telling me otherwise..." he had retorted back to me.  
  
In your hands, I'm nothing but a melted substance that resembles a human. I can't fight you. I can never fight you.  
  
No matter what you've done...  
I...  
I can't forget...  
  
At that moment, he turned me around to face him as I looked to one side unable to meet his eyes. Then, he gently placed his hands on my cheeks to make my eyes look at his single one.  
But defiance was on my face. As he pulled my shirt past my elbows, he looked at my body for a moment.  
  
Maybe he thought it was beautiful or something of the sort from the twinkle in his eyes. For you always had loved beautiful things...  
  
This man had seen me grow up before his eyes...  
And yet he was the cause for that abrupt transformation that I myself cannot comprehend until this day...  
  
How can I say I feel nothing when I know that as you're standing here, I'm feeling the happiness and pain that always went along with it? And the pain of the nine years of separation have come back like a flood over the vessels where my blood was supposed to flow so freely.  
  
Everything was coming back to me.  
  
This feeling had never gone away.  
It was only repressed.  
  
And as I enclosed my hand on the glass behind me, he pressed his body next to mine even more as I murmured something in slight pain while calling his voice. Wrapping my legs around him, he held my waist and just continued to kiss me everywhere and anywhere he could.  
  
My black gloves grabbed his body harder and harder...  
  
Was it everything we could never say?  
Were we trying to make up for what could never be?  
  
Then, he just stopped.   
  
With his tie hanging on his shoulders and his opened shirt staring back at me, I was slowly lifted down to my feet.  
After putting me down gently, he just looked deeply at me. Placing his hands on the sides of my head against the glass sliding door behind me, we read each other's faces...  
  
We were so close, we were breathing each other's air...  
  
The sadness was there. Our real feelings were there...  
  
After nine years, nothing had changed. Everything was just going stronger. And we knew that.  
  
Are you going to let it all go down like this, Subaru?   
  
Your sister...?  
Your clan...?  
  
What are you doing with a man you were supposed to hate because he had betrayed you worse than any hell that someone could imagine or any self violence that causes one to lose one's mind?  
  
The tension was still there and it was building even more...  
  
Grabbing the back of my head and holding a bit of my hair, he leaned closer as I tilted my chin to reach his lips at the same time.  
  
I'll hate you for this, Seishirou...  
For making me what I have become...  
  
At that moment, he asked me a strange question, "What will you ever do without me, Subaru-kun?"  
  
Strangely enough, it was something I had never thought of. I always thought of avenging my sister's death...  
to make up for my shame of falling for the enemy...  
  
Seishirou was always the almighty...powerful assassin...  
  
Childish as it was, I always thought you were invincible...  
Maybe immortal...  
  
But if you were ever gone, I...  
  
"I..."  
  
I looked up to meet his eyes. Placing my bleeding hands on his cheek, I honestly said, "I don't know."  
  
He blinked his eyes in understanding and nodded. But the nonchalant attitude that he had admired himself for slipped for a split second as a sad smile descended upon his face.   
  
"I don't know, either," he answered half in a laugh.  
  
Then, we stood there looking at one another for a long while.  
  
I never thought about life without you, Seishirou...  
But is that such a bad thing?  
  
As much as I resented everything, there will always be a place inside of you and me where I know you will take care of me. In some twisted logic, everything makes sense with our kind of love there...  
  
So, if that day were to ever come...  
I really don't know what I'd do...  
  
Idon'twanttothinkaboutit.Youcan'tleaveme.There'stoomuchtoloseadsolittletime...  
  
Don't make me think like this.  
  
Without realizing it, I had grabbed his shirt between my hands as they stained the white color with the living red dye coming from them.  
  
Until now...  
  
I began to cry. I sobbed, "Until now, you still think about me..."   
  
Selfish as it was,   
he never told me what to do or what to say or how to act...  
  
Even nine years later, he thought about how to take care of me...  
  
As he began to pick me up to bring me to the bed, I didn't care at that moment. This time, I looked him straight in the eye as he kissed me.  
  
This time, I didn't turn away or blush, but looked straight at him.  
  
When he made love to me, I just took pleasure at the moment...  
Because I knew there would not be another time...  
  
By the end of this night, we would be enemies for two opposing sides...  
As we had always been...  
  
But this time, it didn't matter. For I knew, whether we were friends, enemies, or lovers...  
  
...we would be as we had always been...  
  
...like walking on broken glass...  
  
...until you feel and become those shattered glass pieces yourself.   
  
So blinded, you couldn't tell the difference anymore...  
  
  
--  
Author's note: @_@ Okay, this is about as 'yaoi' I think I can ever write...  
This just popped into my head and this is what came out. 


End file.
